Ah yes, it's painfully true, I am without a better half. A partner. A ball and chain. A best friend of the opposite sex I let poke me. I honest to God think my chance at total crazy bliss has already passed—but that's another story for another day. But I do believe that I can find someone who will make happy. At least someone to spend a Sunday evening with. Do you know how hard it is to eat an entire rack of lamb by oneself? Neither do I as I've never had anyone to share a rack of lamb with. My needs are rather simple. You don't need to rock my world, but you do need to be a competent adult who: likes me, has a job, isn't dependent on illegal substance(s), and likes lamb. Let's dream big people!
So you can imagine my surprise when I joined Match.com. Ok now first of all, I know a lot of people who have met their mates on-line. I have attended a few on-line weddings, hell I was the signed witness at one of the best (Yazzersize!). In the past I just didn't think that was going to happen for me. But then again I had never really tried all that hard. At my birthday I realized I was the only single person in attendance. This usually wouldn't bother me, I've been single since college really. But I'm so much happier now that I thought...I thought I deserved to try again. I think that since I actually like myself and my postion here, I deserve to find someone to share all that roasted meat with. Plus another friend of mine but it perfectly, "You go to the gym 4 times a week to make sure your body stays the way you want it. Can't you go on one or two dates a week for the same idea?"
Yes. Yes I can. Practice was in order. Even if I didn't meet anyone I wanted to spend a whole lot of time with, it was clear that on-line dating would at least provide me with some practice. If I met someone to hang out with a few times, awesomesauce. If I just got to see a few new people, also awesome.
But now we're about a week in and well... No, no I can't! Tonight has been the most depressing (or hilarious depending on your opinion) date of them all. I present in all truthfulness and all reality: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Sweet Dee Dates a Retarded Person—Real Life Edition.
Now before you get on me with this remember I did not name this episode of Sunny. I did not star in it, write it, or even conceive its idea. But I did live it. I lived it so effing hard core I have to point it out. I don't know if it's just meta or if it's fate or just another reason I should be seeking out my Charlie companion. Either way I had no idea what the shit just happened. But I do know you do not spend an entire date talking about yourself, wearing a backpack and sweatshirt in the middle of August. I know that's not a lot to go on but I'm desperately trying not to be mean. The only "proof" I have of this terrible date was the look on the bartender's face when we ordered. He gave me the biggest glass of wine I've never seen with the words, "Here ya go honey, you're going to need this." Indeed Mr. Barman. Indeed.
|This was the look on my face from 6:30— approx 7:00 PM|
PS if there's a significant amount of misspelled words or overall lack of coherence with this entry I apologize. It's just the wine I've continued drinking since said date, for shizzle. 'Lil Kevin—OUT.